My one little word for 2014 is intentional. You can see here how it started off really well, and you can see here how I kind of fell off the wagon a bit.

And you will see in this post right here how the wagon I fell off has left me behind on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere and is no longer in sight. In other words, this is a post about a colossal failure on the part of this blogger and her one little word.

Okay, okay. I jest. I’m giving myself a hard time. But this whole being intentional thing? It got lost in this whole do I still want to be a teacher / is this right for me / am I missing my calling thing.

It’s hard to focus on anything else right now. I work 60-70 hours a week, which is why I chose intentional, hoping it would help me spend my little bit of free time doing stuff that matters to me instead of vegging out in front of the television. But now I’m spending my free time having long talks with my husband about my career and researching other job possibilities (and crying about how much this year has broken my spirit, but let’s not go there).

Here’s how things are looking lately.

She Reads Truth

I read the verses and devotional while I’m scarfing down my lunch between end-of-year meetings. I haven’t journaled in weeks. I don’t get a chance to participate in any of the community aspects of it. I did find five minutes to donate to the Kickstarter campaign for the app, so I guess that’s good, right?

Influence Network

I’ve got several class recordings in my inbox that I haven’t had time to watch. I love these classes—love them—and I can barely keep my head above water with what I have to do, so I’m completely out of time for what I love to do. Sigh.

Influence Network community group

Can I just say that I’m in a community group with some of the most beautiful, wonderful people on the planet? Seriously, folks. These women are amazing. They are so encouraging, they have amazing blogs where they share the most heartfelt words, and they bless me every day.

Not that any of them know that I think this because I never have time to participate in the great stuff they’ve got going on. That changes today, thank goodness, because we are meeting via Skype tonight and I can’t wait! I will be the prodigal community group member, yes, but I am making this a priority. (Think they’ll kill the fatted calf for me? They have that kind of spirit. They are my heart right now.)

PowerSheets

Y’all. I can’t even talk about it. I put the binder on top of a bookshelf so I wouldn’t have to look at it every day and feel like a failure at life.

Okay, dramatics aside, the fact of the matter is that I’m not in a place to work on those goals right now. I’m in survival mode.

That’s not what I want to think right now. I want to think, “What better time to work on my future than now? What better way to figure out what I really want than revisiting my vision statement and my goals and my cute collage of what I want my life to look like? Wouldn’t it be great to accomplish everything on my list this month and feel as though I’m working toward something instead of being stagnant?”

I want to think all of those things, and I have been revisiting those first few pages. But I’ve put the monthly worksheets to the side. I’m planning to start them again in June when I can approach them with a better attitude and a more refreshed spirit.

Blogging

Okay, here’s one area where I have been intentional. When I started this blog, I feared I would keep it up for a few weeks, then not make time for it and give it up.

But I haven’t, and I’m proud of that. Despite all of the mayhem and foolishness going on around me, I’m keeping up this blog, and it really has made me more appreciative of what I have and keeps me focused on being happy.

Budgeting

My husband and I are pretty frugal, but lately we’ve been tracking our spending a bit more than we have in the past. He’s the finance / numbers guy, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how interested I am in our spending and how looking at spreadsheets has shaped how I think about purchases.

This month, I’m taking Rachael Kincaid‘s Influence Network class on Frugal Family Living (and I think we all know that I mean I’ll be watching the recording of that class in June). I’m excited about this new way to help me be more intentional about spending.

Whew. There you have it. Apologies if this sounded like a post full of complaints; I meant for it to be an honest look at my one little word right now. Failure happens. It’s not permanent. It’s simply a reminder that we aren’t perfect. It gives us a chance to look to the One who is. And He’ll help us restart. Don’t you worry.